August 10, 2007

  • I'm feeling sad.

    I feel like I just need a real good cry.

    Bummed, depressed and just downright down and BLAH!!!

    I just need to vent and get all my thoughts out so I'm going to warn you this post isn't going to be fun to read..but on the brighter note after I write down all my negative thoughts I'm going to force myself to write some posative ones so that we can end on a posative note at least.

    Today was my last day as Brendan's nanny. I'm going to miss that sweet baby boy...I've been his nanny 5 days a week for almost 2 years. I cried twice today. I'm going to miss daily hugs and story time and playing and being silly. He makes me laugh so much! I'm going to miss that kid.

    Also, the realizaton that my life is about to majorly change has just hit me. Fear of change and the unknown sucks.

    My nanny job has ended, and I'll be moving back in with my mom in just a few weeks. The dread of moving back home has hit me. I love my mom and sister, but living with them just won't be the same as living on my own. I'll miss it.

    I've also kinda been feeling really lonely lately. Sometimes I just hate being single, I want to fall in love and have someone love me back..someone just to hold my hand and tell me I'm beautiful. Sometimes I don't feel very beautiful at all. Sometimes I feel like a reject when it comes to guys..I feel like i get to hyper and stupid acting around guys and that i annoy them or something. I know everyone always tells me I just haven't met the right guy yet and that I will oneday, but sometimes I wonder..what if I'm single forever? That would totally suck.

    And before you give me the whole "put God first and you won't want a boyfriend" lecture let me tell you that I AM satisfied with God and do put Him first, He's my best friend and I talk to Him all through out the day and spend so much time reading God's word and in prayer and worship...sometimes I feel so homesick for Him, because I want to be with God in heaven right now and can't. It's like the CS.Lewis quote at the top of my xanga says, if nothing in this world satifies me then maybe I was made for a different world. I believe that's my case...my heart longs for heaven and for God, and isn't satisfied here on earth.

    So yeah that being said..sometimes, when I'm here on earth and alone, I just wish I had someone to hug and talk to till the wee small hours of the morning. Sometimes being single just sucks, and there's nothing you can do about it.

    Wow okay I'm going to stop the pity party, I do know that I have sOOOo much to be thankful for...

    I have a job that I LOVE, working at the radio station...some people dread going to their jobs every day and I actually LIKE mine and feel like I'm doing what God has called me too and that's a major blessing which I'm VERY thankful for.

    I also have been blessed with good health and with sooo many friends and family who all love me and love God has well. That is such a great blessing.

    I really am satisfied for the most part. Life just has it's ups and downs, is all.

    *edit* had that good cry..and prayed. Feel much better now. I also noticed my eyes turn a glowing shade of green after I cry. Interesting!!

Comments (4)

  • I'm sorry, girl! I hate when people tell people to put God first and then they won't want a man because that is such a load of crap. All I can say is that when you're least expecting it is when it will happen. That's how it's been for me and for most of my friends! So hang in there, and chin up! :)

  • I know what you mean.  I used to think if God could love me and He is God then why couldn't some man love me?  I actually read a lot of christian dating books, I don't think it actually helped me score Brandon, but it helped me in general.     And hey, it is all about timing I think, I figure you are already perfect and God is just still working on making your future husband exactly right for you.  Brandon and I never would have met (probably) if it hadn't been for other relationships and stuff. 

    That is great about your job.  I mean, not a lot of people can say they love their job.  I really hope I am going to love my job.  I am ready to start anyway.   

    You have glowing green eyes?!  Cool!!  Isn't that from a book or movie . . .?

  • I LOVE YOU!! Don't feel depressed!

  • seeing eisley tonight would've made you feel better. i wish you could've come. they are coming back with mute math on october 3rd. actually, i was thinking something with black, too. we are usually on the same wavelengths as far as hair colours.
    alright. when do we start talking about hp7?

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